One step back
by DixieH
Summary: The coin is tossed, but can they live with the results?


Author's Note: I wrote this ages ago. It's a reaction piece to the coin toss. Like many I wanted a little more emotional resolution with my happy ending.

Disclaimer: Don't own these characters…

Harm yawned and stretched. The clock radio on the table beside him was playing quietly. He was tired. The impromptu engagement part at McMurphy's Pub had gone better than he'd expected. His only regret was that he hadn't seen Mac's eyes when Bud had announced the results of the coin toss. "Heads - London".

Harm was relieved. He felt that a Captain's pay grade and allowances would be better security for Mac and Mattie and himself. He shook his head - stunned that he was thinking ahead to a future that would include a wife and a daughter and maybe if they were very lucky children of their own as well.

In all the business of preparing for London, he hadn't phoned his mother. He knew she would sigh when he told her he was moving overseas. They saw so little of one another. He couldn't imagine her reaction if she ever discovered that they'd let a coin toss decide their destination. On the West coast they would have been closer to her and Frank.

Then there was Mac. She seemed happy enough the rest of the evening. Everyone lingered over their drinks. Sturgis, Jen and the General left together and so he'd bought dinner for them and Bud and Harriet down the block at a little Italian place. Finally he'd nudged Mac and whispered that they'd better head over to the hospital. He wanted to see Mattie before leaving in the morning. To his surprise, Mac shook her head and said she'd see him in the morning. She'd pick him up and take him to the airport, but opt out of the trip to the hospital. He hoped it wasn't a reaction to London, but something less grave. They said goodnight and good bye to Bud and Harriet and he'd walked her to her car. He held her hand and kissed her lightly. He wanted to be with her, to spend the whole night. They'd waited so long. But he also didn't want to be rushed. He wanted their first time to be everything he'd imagined it would be, and so it could wait a little while longer.

Finally, heeding the alarm, Harm rolled out of bed. Considering it was 4:38 am; he'd had a decent night's sleep. He supposed it was that so much was finally settled. He and Mac would be together. Eventually the Family Court Judge would award him permanent custody of Mattie. And work, with a promotion and London. Life was good. He was humming when he got out of the shower.

Nearly an hour later when Mac hadn't arrived he wondered about phoning her. He'd hoped she'd be early so they could talk on the way to the airport and not have to rush their goodbyes. As settled as he felt inside, he wasn't sure how the next few weeks would unfold. They needed to set a wedding date, and find a place to live and invite their friends and he really needed to call his mother. As he was buttoning his jacket, there was knock at the door. He grinned looking forward to seeing her.

But it was Bud. Looking grim faced and tired. "Hey Bud what's up?"

"The Colonel called last night and asked if I'd get you to the airport this morning."

Harm's forehead wrinkled in alarm. "Really?"

Bud only nodded. He hated to be stuck between his friends.

Harm motioned and Bud came into the room.

"Why? What's going on? What did she say?"

Bud shook his head. Harm picked up the phone and dialled her cell. The automated voice said this number is out of the service area" He held the receiver out to Bud

"What is going on?" Harm asked again.

Bud heaved a heavy sigh. "She says she's not going to London. She says she can't marry you. She says." Bud paused and studied the toes of shoes. "She doesn't love you." Bud shook his head.

Harm's knees buckled and he sat rather heavily on the box beside him.

"Where is she Bud?"

"My house. She talked to Harriet for a long time on the phone and finally came over about midnight and slept on the couch. She was still asleep when I left."

Harm nodded, picked up his cover and stood up. "Then that's where you can take me."

Bud nodded relieved.

Bud's house was quiet when they arrived. Mac's car was still in the drive. Bud pointed to the living room and then went upstairs.

Mac as asleep on the sofa. Harm pulled off his jacket and set his cover beside it on the arm of a chair. Then he perched on the coffee table. She was very soundly asleep. Breathing shallow and calm. She was pale and still. He reached out finally, hating to rouse her and hear the worst; but also wondering if somehow he could resolve whatever was broken between them.

He wasn't prepared for her reaction. At his touch, she was awake and on her feet. Nearly bowling him over in the process. She was dressed in a white t-shirt and shorts. God she was beautiful.

"Harm - what time is it?"

He raised one eye brow. "It's nearly 6:30. He laughed. "That's a first in 9 years; you don't know what time it is."

She looked down at him, her face solemn. "I know that if your plane is on schedule it will leave in 37 minutes."

He shrugged. "Not my fault. You didn't show up to take me to the airport."

"Bud" she said and glanced up. "Bud said he'd go."

"He did," Harm said. "How do you think I got here?"

"Oh" Her lips made the shape, but hardly any sound escaped.

Finally she sat back down. She pulled the blanket around her shoulders and shivered. Their knees were touching. He felt like he should move, but he wanted to see her face and be near no matter what she said next.

"Bud says you can't marry me, can't go to London, and don't love me." He said after a long silent minute.

She nodded and looked at the floor.

"Sarah that's a complete load of crap. After all this time, you've picked a stupid time to start lying to me."

She nodded at that too, but didn't meet his gaze. "I" She took a ragged breath. "I'm afraid. I've never had a relationship that really worked. There was always something and I don't want to … to" She still couldn't look at him and she couldn't finish.

"Sarah how long have you loved me?" From somewhere above, they heard a baby's small cry and a door open and then close.

She sat very still, so he continued. "Before Webb?" He asked. She nodded imperceptibly. It was like a tremor. "Before Brumby?" This time the movement of her head was bigger. "Before Lowne?" This time she nodded and lifted her eyes to look into his. "We've been to hell and back together. You've been my friend through everything and I've been yours. I love you. It's time we were together. Really together no matter what."

There were tears in her eyes. "I love you too." It was almost a whisper. "But Harm it means giving up San Diego and what if." She wiped a tear and took a deep breath. "Harm what if I give it up and we can't make it work."

He looked her in the eye then. "It's a tough choice I agree. And if you give up San Diego and we get married and it doesn't work then you'll just have to suck it up and start over. If it's too tough a decision, we'll go to San Diego instead of London."

She was clearly startled. "Are you joking? You'd give up the promotion and London?"

"Sarah, I've stalled and postponed all I'm going to. I want to marry you and if San Diego is really the deal breaker, then we're going to San Diego not London. I'm not prepared to live without you."

"But yesterday…" her voice trailed off.

He shrugged and grinned. "I got engaged last night, and now whatever decision we make is fine with me as long as we make it."

"This is it." She said.

"What do you mean?"

"It's really us and not you and me anymore."

"Now you've got it." He chuckled and held out his arms. She leaned in and put her head on his chest. He rested his cheek against her head and closed his eyes. He wasn't sure where they were going, but they were moving ahead and he was glad.

"Well Colonel. I need to know whether I'm resigning my commission today or not. The suspense is killing me."

She pulled back then and looked up at him. "No way flyboy. You have a wife and daughter to support in style in Europe. You better not quit now."

"Mac I called the General on the way over and said I needed a personal day and I was rearranging my travel schedule. I told him you'd be in tomorrow. We have all day to really talk about it if you like. " She nodded. "Go get dressed ok."

By the time she was showered and dressed. Harm was sitting in Bud and Harriet's kitchen with a baby on his knee listening to AJ describe the difference between grade 1 and kindergarten. Harm laughed quietly and jostled the baby. Harriet was making toast, washing plates and spooning cereal into the other infant, all the while urging AJ to hurry up or he'd be late for the carpool

Mac stood in the doorway for a long minute before she went in. Harried paused and without drying her hands hugged her hard. "I have good friends" Mac said.

"Yes you do." Harriet laughed and poured her a cup of coffee. The door bell rang. Harriet zipped AJ's backpack and hurried him toward the front door.

"I'm sorry" Mac said looking down at Harm. He dabbed at the baby's drool on the arm of his uniform and looked up at her.

"It's ok. We'll be ok as long as we're together." She nodded her agreement.

"I love you" she said and kissed him.


End file.
